Learn to cook, you disgusting slob.

Cooking fairly decent food is not hard. There is no secret gene passed
down to divide humanity in two; the Can Cook’s and the Can’t Cook’s.
Most people eat three times a day, and often more, so the ability to
prepare a decent meal shouldn’t be regarded as anything but a
prerequisite for being an adult human. Can you drive a car? Can you
clean your body yourself? Can you tie your own shoe laces? And are you
capable of making anything but overcooked fucking pasta with shop
bought sauce?
Its easy to find recipes. Its even easy to find very simple, even so
called ‘foolproof’ recipes. But here are a few things you should learn
to do first, some things you should never do again, and a couple you
should feel ashamed for ever having done.


1. Learn to cook pasta.

Boil water in a large pot. Add salt. Add the pasta. Cook until al
dente. This is Italian for “not overcooked and shit”. Strain. Do not
fucking overcook the pasta, ever. If you do, throw it away. Do not
attempt to serve it. Do not put oil in the water, that’s stupid. Do
not start in cold water. Do not pour boiling water over the pasta.
When you eat the pasta, do not drown it in sauce, the sauce should
only coat the pasta.


2. Learn how to make a salad.

Salad does not have little bits of fucking cheddar cheese in it. Nor
does it have gherkins in it, nor raw mushrooms, grated carrot,
nectarines or what have you. You are not Gary Rhodes- stick with the
simple stuff. Furthermore, do not ever buy fucking ready made salad
dressing. Vinaigrette is almost impossible to fuck up: 1 part good
(read expensive) vinegar, 3 parts oil, a pinch of salt. Extra virgin
is preferable. Reduced fat vinaigrette is for hairdressers and gym
instructors.



3. Sharpen Your Knife

Buy a decent knife. You cannot buy a decent knife in the same shop you
can buy some grapes, a litre of milk and some cigarettes. The money
you spend is an investment into the possible hundreds of thousands of
meals you will prepare with your new knife. Learn to keep it sharp.
Blunt knives are for nancies. Girls(or boys) love a man (or a woman)
with a very sharp knife.


4. Do not ever use margarine. Ever.

Butter is the not-so-secret ingredient in French food that makes it so
good. It’s delicious, essential for baking, lends richness, body and
its own delicate flavour to whatever you cook in it. It’s natural,
it’s beautiful, and makes everything taste better. Margarine is
emulsified vegetable oil and water, with flavourants and colourants.
One is delicious, one is Satan’s smegma. And don’t be such a fairy
with the extra virgin olive oil- its good for you, and its delicious.
It won’t make you fat. The ancient Romans used to literally clean
their bodies with it, and look at how lithe and handsome all those
marble statues are.



5. Learn to braai.

Get the coals hot. You should only be able to hold your hands over the
coals for up to seven seconds. Do not puncture, marinade or in any way
fiddle with the boerewors. Do not pour litres of water on the coals
should they be too hot. Do not overcook all the meat. It is not ‘done’
when it is dry and leathery, it is now ‘fucked’. When the meat is
done, at most cooked medium (still a bit pink inside), DO NOT keep it
in a warm oven while you get the chicken ready. Do not stuff a
butternut with spinach and feta and wrap it in tinfoil. And cooking
meat to medium rare, or medium is easy: you just leave it on the fire
for a shorter time.


6. Learn how to make at least one dessert.


You cant invite people over to show them your new flat and have tinned
peaches for pud. You don’t have to be Escoffier to make a pannacotta
or a decent banana split. Do not buy a milk tart from Shoprite. Do not
buy any prepared dessert from any grocery store. Make something
yourself, I promise it isn’t that hard.