Malawi-Wowie

Malawi has the friendliest people in the world. They're proud of this, and sometimes it feels like they go out of their way to be friendly to you. A ten minute walk to the shops to buy some two minute noodles or baked beans could easily involve making two or three new friends. You might be invited to stay over at their house, join them for a game of pool, buy some zol, sleep with a local girl for a thousand Kwacha, whatever. Little children see you and shout "Mzungu!"(same meaning as "honky!" in Zimbabwe) and wave with sheer pleasure at seeing a white person. This friendliness is so alien to me as a South African, it took me a little while to get used to it. I see a guy calling me, coming over to shake my hand, and I want to run a mile. But in Malawi, you'd be so wrong. Once I got used to it, I was faced with some issues.

One: How does anyone remember this many fucking names? In one normal day of eating two or three meals, drinking approximately 3 litres of piss-poor beer, and swimming for two or three hours (tough life, I know) you might meet 20 people. They will all remember your name. They will all remember you are from Cape Town. They will all remember whatever you told them, and the next day, when you stumble down to the shops for a Coke, they call out your name. You freeze in horror when you see who it is- you remember their face from the sea of friendly people that was the previous night, but you're fucked if you can remember their name! You insensitive bastard.

Two: When I return to Cape Town, or god forbid, Joburg, how can I go on the defensive again?Treating other people as if they have leprosy, by default, is normal in South Africa. The Fear has everyone. If you have anything- a watch, a cellphone, a car, a Snickers bar in your pocket, someone wants to steal it. I didn't take my cellphone outside SA so I'd have one less thing to have stolen. How stupid I feel now. In fact, I'm infinitely more likely to have it nicked back home! I'm going to have to settle in, stop trusting people, stop making friends, and put my new found faith in humanity on pause for a bit.

Three: If you happen to be in a hurry to get somewhere in Malawi (in itself, a highly disingenious predicament) you simply can't stop and talk to six different people about your hometown, your opinion on nsima(pretty good, if totally bland), the quality of the fish from Lake Malawi (not my favourite) and if you've ever had an African woman (a common question, this one). "I'm in a hurry!", you say, and you hurt their feelings. You bastard, again. If you want to travel in Malawi, NEVER HURRY. Its disrespectful of their culture.